Oh Those Rainy Days…

Mental illness is such a sensitive topic to discuss openly. Whilst we are encouraged to express our emotional wellbeing more than previous generations, there is a certain stigma still held against those who admit to having experienced mental illness.

Depression has been a companion of mine for most of my adult years. I have experienced more than my fair share of loss over the years. A partner commit suicide while I was still a teen, my sister passed away at just 21 years of age, I experienced a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks. All these events had a tremendous impact on my mental health.

I have previously written about the importance of self care. Self care can leave you feeling almost euphoric, capable of taking on the world. Unfortunately for me, that high was followed by a just as dramatic low.

I have chronic illness issues and occasionally I will experience a flare up of the symptoms i.e. lots of pain. Easter weekend saw a massive flare up that resulted in four days bed rest. Well four days of naps when I could fit them in with the kids. It has now been a week and I’m still struggling with the fatigue that hits me with the pain.

Now four days of pain and fatigue can leave you feeling miserable. There really is no other way to say it. You are left feeling like your body is letting you down, which is a terrible feeling when you are only in your early 30s. This is meant to be the time your life is really coming together, not falling apart like a dollar store cupboard.

Along with depression, neuropathic pain and interstitial cystitis, I have a number of symptoms that are suggestive of other chronic diseases. I am sitting on public health waiting lists to see specialists to get a diagnosis and find treatment plans that actually work for me. Waiting for answers is bloody hard.

I have cried a number of times this week as I have just been so overwhelmed by life. Not only is my health terrible, I have three kids who I feel I’m letting down as I physically can’t be the mother I want to be. My eldest is having literary issues at school and we are investigating possible dyslexia and adhd. My second child has autism with severe speech delays and we have appointments twice a week for him. My youngest is almost two and going through a massive developmental leap. My partner decided I needed more things to do and got chickens to be hand raised. Oh and he starts night shift soon so won’t be home to help with any of it. As you can see I’m rather overwhelmed with life. Hence the crash after my fantastic mood after my mini holiday.

I could keep rambling on but I will leave with this – life can be extremely difficult at times. It is important that in these moments you can take a step back and recognize how you are feeling before it engulfs you. It is near impossible to pull yourself up when you have nothing left.

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